She likes me, she likes me not.

I grew up in a very sheltered home per se. We lived within this little bubble of family, school and church. I learned from a very young age when I was at school not everyone would like me or enjoyed my company. Then not too long afterwards I realized the same about certain family members. With each revelation the knowledge of this became harder to take. But, life goes on. The only thing was I never felt this way at church. I always felt that everyone liked me and I returned the sentiment. Now, I am not an egotist. We are all God’s children and as the scripture states, if you don’t love him who you have seen, how can you love Him who you haven’t? 

It wasn’t until I was in my teens a new family started attending our church. One of the daughters didn’t like me. I mean… she didn’t like me at all. She tolerated me and made it painfully aware how she felt. This of course was the end of the bubble I had lived in. I was shook to the core! Why didn’t she like me? I couldn’t wrap my brain around it. I always assumed because we shared the same belief we were the same and for some crazy reason would love each other regardless of our likes or dislikes. Wasn’t that how it was suppose to be?

But, again life would go on… I started working. I was already prepared and I lied to myself on a regular basis it didn’t matter what others thought of me… “I am my own person!” Whatever! I knew deep inside it bothered me. Sometimes, you just have to let things go and take the good with the bad and say who cares and really mean it!

I do feel like I have had a grip on not really caring if I were liked for many years. I knew they were missing out! I am a great person to hang out with and I am a very loyal friend. Then my daughter was born. Of course who would ever dislike a baby, right? But, as she grew and we came to grips with her differences. We started seeing the looks, the shunning, the apparent dislike for being around her. It started with strangers, then family members… now here we are the final frontier! The great part is, I’m not sure if she even notices the looks of those that don’t want to sit with her. The little ones that act afraid of her. I’m grateful for her being unaware! But, I see it! I see too much and again it’s like a dagger all over again. Just like when I came to the realization that girl couldn’t stand me. I know I can’t protect her from hurt. I know this is part of life. But, I think my problem has always been… we are God’s children and this ought not to be. I should be able to trust you and know you won’t hurt me. When the world is swirling around us, there should be a refuge we can come to. A place of shelter from the hurts of everyday life. The house of God should be this place! I want to be an extension of this belief. I think I have had this experience to help me be prepared for those who come to us bearing the weight of pain and cold indifference. I want to be holding the light as a beacon. I have decided it doesn’t matter to me if you like me or my family. It doesn’t matter to me if you want to be my friend or not. I’m going to love those who want to be loved, those who don’t and all those in between. I’m going to teach Lauren to be oblivious to what others think and judge herself by what God thinks and be accountable to His word and those who are in authority over her. In the end, we have to give an account and I pray I am able to make the Lord proud I finally passed this test.