Letting Go

When I think of those two words so many things come to mind. Like letting go of someone’s hand.

Letting go of holding your breath.

Letting go of a loved one who is leaving this realm for the next.

Letting go of a friendship that was and no longer is.

Letting go of hopes and dreams.

Let’s just face the cold, hard facts… letting go isn’t easy in any capacity.

Letting go is like admitting defeat. Letting go is like saying goodbye.

Letting go, although is mostly used in a negative form, can be used for the positive.

I’m letting go of negative thought processes. I’m letting go of my failures and believing in the possibilities again. I’m letting go of what I feel others think of me. I’m letting go of unforgiveness, bitterness and anger. I’m letting go of the past and embracing the future. Cause let’s face it, we really don’t want to relive the past no matter what we tell ourselves.

As for me, I let go along time ago of what I thought parenting was going to be like. I hadn’t a clue what was in store. Every child is different. Who knows what each little life will bloom into. To compare to others is almost guaranteeing certain death. Death to the possibilities of what he or she can become. It’s unhealthy expectations. Expecting them to live a life that wasn’t theirs to begin with. Why would I want her to be like someone else’s child anyway? But, we all do it. It’s human nature to want for them the same things we had and more.

I urge you to re-evaluate what you are holding onto that may not be healthy or is false. I challenge you to let go of unhealthy expectations of others, yourself and your child. I’m not saying not to pursue excellence. I’m saying take inventory. Make a pro and con list of your life and what is pushing you toward whatever goals you may have. Give yourself permission to grieve what you imagined life should have been like. Accept those for who they are . You know, it is what it is.

We may not have signed up for this. But someone thought we were perfect for the job!

Stay encouraged. Hug your loved ones a little tighter. Get a good night’s sleep and be sure to pray more everyday!

Here’s to the future!

I hate it’s been so long since last I wrote. I have determined to write more often. I have seen the slew of blogs on gluten free living and an allergy free lifestyles. I really enjoy reading them all. It has truly been a beacon of light on the dark waters of this torrent sea. But, I haven’t seen too many blogs touch on the other side of the spectrum… pardon the pun. I’m sure they are out there. Or maybe it’s I don’t have the time to search… which is probably more the reason for coming up empty handed.

It’s just when I was first looking into having an in-home ABA therapy program for my daughter. I had no idea how to set up her room, what kind of manipulatives I needed, how to find a tutor, how was I going to afford everything. It was a maze of trial and error and honestly if it weren’t for the Good Lord I don’t know how I could have pulled it off!

I will say this… I’m sure there are those out there that have done it better than me and my hat is off to you. I just wish I knew then what I know now and I wish I would have had someone help steer me in the right direction.

So, I’m excited to say, I will be changing things up a bit and adding more helps with ideas for therapies. Things we have tried that worked or that failed miserably.

So here’s to the future… may it be so bright you have to wear shades!

Going the distance!

I recently started working in the office at my daughter's school. It's not your typical school. It's a center for children with autism. I love the fact each child is being reached on their particular level. There is such a peaceful presence when you walk in the door.

We started out at home until we thought she was ready to make the move into public schools. Unfortunately, that didn't work. It was a complete failure. Thankfully, a friend was starting this center and it has been a God-send! She has flourished since being out of the house and around others. Her language has really taken off... what an awesome thing!!

Today, I had the distinct pleasure of talking to a mom who's child was recently diagnosed with autism. In a moment, all of the emotions I felt came back in a flood. I wanted to reach through the phone and just give her a hug. No one understands me like another mom with a child with autism. You understand my daily worries and struggles. You get me and my kid and for that I'm eternally grateful! I wanted to make it all better for her. I wanted to go to her home and help her. I offered her everything I knew I could, without overwhelming her. I have the tendency to do that...lol! But, as much as I wanted to help her, I can't do it all. Some things you have to go through yourself. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger, right?

Recently a friend said to me... "no one is going to take your daughter across the finish line but YOU! No BCBA! No tutor! No one, but YOU!"

She's right, if Lauren is going to get better, I have to be the CEO of this business and run it like a business. I know it may sound crazy and impersonal. But, think about all of the ins and outs involved... you have to run it like a business. No fooling around with the bottom line. What's the bottom line? Lauren is the bottom line! God gave her to me for a reason and whatever the reason... He must have felt I could handle the challenge and both of our lives would be fruitless without each other.

So, I encourage you to take ownership of your child's future. Arm yourself with the know-how. You have been given a task and some One thought you could handle it or He would have give it to someone else!

Carpe Diem!

You are a hard habit to break.

Three years ago we removed all gluten and casein from my daughter's life on a suggestion from her Dr. Whether internally or on the skin, we made sure all things containing gluten or casein were banished, but not completely from the house. My husband and I still ate products that contained them. I tried to be very careful with cross contamination. We had a few infractions during this time. My elderly mother was living with us and she is old school... giving food is a sign of love. I think some of the worst infractions came from her unwittingly.

Although we decided to try this as an experiment to see if it would help with her autism (oh and it did!). It wasn't until later my daughter and I were tested for food allergies. I'm really glad we did this to see what other allergens we didn't know about. This is when I found out about my allergies to gluten and casein also.

Since I was a child I wondered about the times I couldn't finish our Saturday morning rituals of pancakes or pizza Friday nights. It always found me in the bathroom very sick and no energy for a couple days. I think I passed it off as it wasn't something I ate on a regular basis and it didn't agree with me. After the test results it made so much sense.

I've known for 2 years now I'm allergic to gluten and all dairy products. But, for some reason I'm still ingesting gluten and casein on a daily bases. I'm sick just about everyday and have little to no energy. Why in the world do I do this to myself? If you knew it wasn't good for you wouldn't you just stop? I honestly feel like an addict. I need to remember how I felt when I was "clean" for about 30 days. I felt so good! I know this may sound crazy, but I felt good in my head. I thought better and had more energy and with my daughter's autism on the daily agenda I need to have all the energy I can muster. Seriously, why is this so hard. I quit smoking.... I quit drinking or did I? I recently read an article of the connection between alcoholism and gluten allergy. I've wondered why in the past several years since I gave my life back to the Lord and quit drinking why I would crave the taste of a beer. I have struggled with this thinking what is wrong with my walk with the Lord can't I get this straight. But, after reading this article it all came together. I'm getting my gluten fix just not from beer. Now this puts an entire different spin on this. Wow!

In light of this, I'm taking the plunge again. Tomorrow is my d-day. I have to say I'm scared to death and I haven't a clue why. All I know is, I see people who are older than I who run circles around me. I'm tired of feeling poorly all the time. It's time! It's time to live healthier and think healthier. My family needs me and I need me to be better.

So you bad gluten and casein proteins be go with thee!! New recipes and feeling better come on in and sit down for awhile! Let's do this!!

I wonder….

 

I wonder what would happen if I shirked all of my responsibilities and locked myself into my bedroom and refused to come out.

I wonder what would happen if I didn’t speak when someone spoke to me.

I wonder what would happen if I made myself unavailable to my daughter... I didn’t make it my concern if she were fed, dressed, diaper was changed or if she were safe.

I wonder what would happen if I didn’t worry about the bills… thinking if I hid myself away I wouldn’t have to deal with them or someone else would step in to take care of what was happening.

I wonder what would happen if I lived my life as if I were single. I didn’t have to meet the needs of a partner. I didn’t have to plan for the future or some unforeseen circumstance.

I wonder what would happen if I passed the blame onto someone else and not take responsibility for my own actions.

I wonder what would happen if I misconstrued things people would say.

I wonder what would happen if I surmised interactions with others… not seeing things for what they really were.

I wonder what would happen if I slept when I wanted to, ate what I wanted to, watched what I wanted to, did whatever I wanted to with no regard for others feelings or desires.

I wonder what would happen if I turned the tables on my husband and acted as he did toward me and our daughter every day.

I wonder if it would even matter to him.

I wonder if he would even notice.

I wonder if I would want to waste one more minute wondering as if it would change anything.

Diary entry of a recovering control freak.

What is wrong with me lately?

I can’t blame it on the weather. I can’t blame it on a full moon.I can’t blame it on hormones. I can’t blame it on anyone else but myself. I have struggled for awhile now with this attitude. Some mornings I wake up in a funk. Others I am great and then something happens and I’m a mess the rest of the day.

I really can’t put my finger on any one thing. It’s a myriad of things. For example, Lauren is now in school and it started off really good. I really like the teacher and the aides. About 4 days into the first week I’m informed she needs her own aide. This is never heard of. I can’t believe they told me this. Usually parents have to fight for their child to get an aide and they asked me if I would mind. Uhm, not really if it’s in her best interest and the interest of her peers… knock yourself out! But, my first impression of her new aide was, how should I say this? It wasn’t the greatest. She literally looked like she rolled out of bed, grabbed clothes from a laundry basket and ran. Her hair reminds me of Albert Einstein… I’m not exaggerating! My first thought was, “if you can’t take care of yourself, how in the world can you take care of my daughter?” But, she is really nice and she seems to really want to do good for Lauren. She’s a people pleaser with her feelings on her sleeves. I can’t handle another high maintenance person in my life. What is wrong with me that I can’t just let this roll off my back? I know I can’t control everything.

I truly think this is the root of my problem. I feel out of control. I can’t control anything. I don’t want to control everything… or do I? Obviously, I do. Goodness! Those who know me well can attest to the fact, I am a bit of a control freak. I have even referred to myself as Lauren’s neurotic mother. However jokingly I may have said it in passing I really am.

It’s just she has been under my care for the past 8 years. I have painstakingly anticipated her every need. For crying out loud, she can’t tell me. So, I would think to myself… what would I want in this situation and then tailor it to a little girl. I’m grateful the Lord helped me be mindful for her sake. I couldn’t hear her voice… so someone had to, right? Wow, I just never saw this coming. I thought I was fine. I thought once she was in school I could step back into the roll of Amy. Nope! Not possible. Lauren has been my drug of choice. She has filled up my days so I wouldn’t have to think about what was wrong with me. I didn’t have time to think about it. Now I do. I don’t like what I see. I have prided myself in pretending like I had it together… oh Amy, who are you fooling? Only yourself…. only yourself!

So, please if you have personal contact with me… excuse my outspoken behavior. Please excuse an irritated glance at something you say that really wasn’t bad after all. I’ve got issues I’m working through and I’m learning how not to be this control freak mom of an autistic kid. Thanks in advance!

Consistent Connections

I believe it’s in the consistent little things we make a difference. As with anything in our lives we can build something with stick-to-itiveness. The same is with our kids. Whether on the spectrum or not. With consistency we can teach a myriad of things. But since I only have one child and she’s on the spectrum I can truthfully only speak from my experiences.

Let’s face it, there are days I’m tired. I just want to sleep in and not have to deal with the stresses of everyday life. Of course, I don’t have that luxury any longer. The days of staying up late and sleeping past 9 are in the distant past. My girl is awake with the first crack of light and she has NEVER taken a nap… NEVER! So for over 8 years we roll from the minute her feet hit the floor until it’s bedtime. So you can say, to be on my A game is vitally important everyday. But, I can’t honestly say I am. This is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I thought I was prepared to be a parent… of a typical kid. But, one with autism? I have to believe God knew what He was doing. I have to draw from the truths I have been taught, He will never put more on me than I can bare.

Ok, so with this said… being consistent while teaching fundamentally basic concepts… uhm, let’s just say I’m not consistent! I wish I were super mom who could do it all. But, it’s a miracle some days she is clothed and fed. Most days I am in survival mode, running defense and putting out fires. She is one busy girl to say the least. I wish I could bottle that energy, I would make a fortune!

But, this morning it was good… I mean really good. We communicated. It may not have been about what she was going to wear or what she wanted for Christmas. But, we communicated meaningfully. From the moment I opened the door to her room to get her up for school we chatted. I asked her how she slept. She didn’t say anything. Then I said the magic words… “Let’s get up, we need to get ready for school.” Her first response was “In the car?” me- “Yup we are going to school in the car” From this moment on I thought I would take advantage of this situation and try to connect and it was good. We really connected. She even gave me a kiss, unwarranted. Maybe she was saying thank you for caring mommy to try to talk to me. I don’t know. But, it sure felt good!

Things are far from perfect. But, hopefully being consistent in trying to reach her just a little bit everyday will let her know I think she is worthwhile. I value you as a human being. You have importance. Even if she doesn’t communicate like everyone else… I made a connection. I’m going to do this again even if I don’t make a connection… I will stay consistent!