This weekend did not go as planned. Now maybe God had it planned this way but I most certainly did not.
I have been under a tremendous load of stress in the past few months. It seems in the past week or so I was drowning in it. I found I was not really able to keep myself afloat in the day to day stresses. So, upon an invitation I received from a friend to come to her home for a visit. I packed a bag or two and left early Friday morning for rest and relaxation... or so I thought.
I figured the time away would be much needed. I mean really, she has a pool and lives in a very quiet neighborhood... how could I do anything but rest? Let's say, nothing turned out as planned... NOTHING!
In retrospect, I learned some things about myself. I have limits and I can no longer ignore my limits. I must stop living with an altered view of my reality.
One, I have no business staying all night at any one's home EVER!
I am past the age of "sleep overs". Plus, I have my daughter who has Autism to think about. My friend's house was not child proof. Let alone, ready for my daughter. At least, at home she can play in the backyard with her yard toys while I rest on my porch. She can sleep in her own bed and eat food that she is suppose to eat... you get the idea.
Two, I need to know my limits.
I still seem to see myself as the woman I was before Autism. I get frustrated about finances. So, I decide I am going to get a job. I go as far as to get an interview all to realize... this isn't a possibility any longer. It's not possible to live as I had. When I come to myself... it's the cold realization.... I can no longer do the things I did before without having to work around a child with a disability. The frustration I cause myself all because I do not take notice of my limits. Not only that, but the stress I put my daughter through while I am trying to let it sink in to my thick skull. Poor girl!
Three, my family is my ministry.
I recently resigned a ministry I felt I needed to be involved in. I really thought this was the direction the Lord was leading me in. But, after months of gentle prodding from the Lord. I resigned. In the quiet, I heard His still small voice tell me... "your family is your ministry." I have no business going away for days on end and leaving my daughter and husband without the support they need. This is my calling. To help them be all they can be. I read something this week which really touched me. In the Hebrew, the word Help Meet means "lifesaver, to come up alongside" My husband needs this kind of consistency. To come along side and be there as a support to him. Until he and my daughter are well, this is my ministry and I don't believe the Lord will honor my decision unless I take care of this first. I have been called to be my daughter's mother. She is my responsibility to raise her in the fear and admonition of the Lord. Not chase after my dreams and desires. This is not to say I shouldn't have mommy time. I'm saying, my families needs need to be met before I think about fulfilling my desires.
I want to say in my friend's defense... she tried to the best of her ability to make me feel comfortable in her home. She fixed me a lovely dinner and took me to some yard sales. She was gracious and kind to us. If it were just me alone, I would have been more relaxed and be able to enjoy myself more. But, for now... it's not only me but my precious little girl.
Thanks for opening your home to me and may God bless your efforts to try and help me rest.
God has blessed me with some good friends.
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