It's the Great Pumpkin Amy!

Well, I did it! I finally gave in and carved a pumpkin. I was thinking back trying to remember the last time I tried this. Well, it has to be more than 14 years ago... at least.
Let me say, it's not as easy as I remembered. Just for the record, I'm not a big fan of Halloween. I don't dress up or dress up Lauren. I did when she was really little... she was a black and white kitty! She was adorable! I guess I have trouble reconciling my beliefs with the practice of the holiday. I don't do horror and Lauren can't eat candy...so why bother anyways, right?
But, for those of you who do like trick or treating...if you want to celebrate...celebrate away. Just don't expect me to join in.
Which brings me to my pumpkin. I wanted to celebrate the fall season with my daughter. I thought this could be something we could share together. Aside from sensory issues, she seemed to enjoy the process. Would I do it again? I don't know. We will see next year.

Ok for you who like my pumpkin, I downloaded a template from Birds and Bloom, taped it to the pumpkin and traced away. The hard part was not having the correct tools. Always, always, always have the right tool for the job!
Happy Pumpkins!

She likes me, she likes me not.

I grew up in a very sheltered home per se. We lived within this little bubble of family, school and church. I learned from a very young age when I was at school not everyone would like me or enjoyed my company. Then not too long afterwards I realized the same about certain family members. With each revelation the knowledge of this became harder to take. But, life goes on. The only thing was I never felt this way at church. I always felt that everyone liked me and I returned the sentiment. Now, I am not an egotist. We are all God’s children and as the scripture states, if you don’t love him who you have seen, how can you love Him who you haven’t? 

It wasn’t until I was in my teens a new family started attending our church. One of the daughters didn’t like me. I mean… she didn’t like me at all. She tolerated me and made it painfully aware how she felt. This of course was the end of the bubble I had lived in. I was shook to the core! Why didn’t she like me? I couldn’t wrap my brain around it. I always assumed because we shared the same belief we were the same and for some crazy reason would love each other regardless of our likes or dislikes. Wasn’t that how it was suppose to be?

But, again life would go on… I started working. I was already prepared and I lied to myself on a regular basis it didn’t matter what others thought of me… “I am my own person!” Whatever! I knew deep inside it bothered me. Sometimes, you just have to let things go and take the good with the bad and say who cares and really mean it!

I do feel like I have had a grip on not really caring if I were liked for many years. I knew they were missing out! I am a great person to hang out with and I am a very loyal friend. Then my daughter was born. Of course who would ever dislike a baby, right? But, as she grew and we came to grips with her differences. We started seeing the looks, the shunning, the apparent dislike for being around her. It started with strangers, then family members… now here we are the final frontier! The great part is, I’m not sure if she even notices the looks of those that don’t want to sit with her. The little ones that act afraid of her. I’m grateful for her being unaware! But, I see it! I see too much and again it’s like a dagger all over again. Just like when I came to the realization that girl couldn’t stand me. I know I can’t protect her from hurt. I know this is part of life. But, I think my problem has always been… we are God’s children and this ought not to be. I should be able to trust you and know you won’t hurt me. When the world is swirling around us, there should be a refuge we can come to. A place of shelter from the hurts of everyday life. The house of God should be this place! I want to be an extension of this belief. I think I have had this experience to help me be prepared for those who come to us bearing the weight of pain and cold indifference. I want to be holding the light as a beacon. I have decided it doesn’t matter to me if you like me or my family. It doesn’t matter to me if you want to be my friend or not. I’m going to love those who want to be loved, those who don’t and all those in between. I’m going to teach Lauren to be oblivious to what others think and judge herself by what God thinks and be accountable to His word and those who are in authority over her. In the end, we have to give an account and I pray I am able to make the Lord proud I finally passed this test.

To ABA or not to ABA that is the question...

My girl has completed her first full week back in school after spending the past 2 years in an ABA program. The first year (10 months )was in a center with 1:2 ratio... in layman's terms, 1 teacher to 2 students. Then one full year of a combination of ABA and Natural Environment Training in an in home program. In Ohio we are blessed to have the Autism Scholarship. So when the public school systems are not equipped to teach your autistic child you can apply for the scholarship and use it instead of public schools. This is to ensure your child is being reached in the best way possible.

I will have to say, I am glad we didn't start "drill and kill" ABA with her too soon. I have heard how this increases some aggressive behavior. Mainly due to frustration. If I had to do it over again...I would have foregone the center approach and did two years in-home ABA. Each child is different... you need to listen to what they aren't saying. You really need to learn to be a detective with our kids. Since they aren't able to say what you need to know, you need to look for clues. It isn't easy that's for sure!

Recently what caused me to think of ABA began with a letter I received from a Dr. The letter helped me realize I did do the right thing by my daughter. This Dr specializes in developmental pediatrics. Her expertise is with autistic kids. So, for some reason I had this assumption she was an expert in the field. Why do I elevate my expectations of certain types of people? Ok another blog for another day!!

In this letter she was going over her findings from our appointment. Something she said sent up this read flag. Well, actually there was something she said in our meeting that got those wheels in my brain a turnin. She said two years of ABA was completely enough time to devote to ABA therapy. Then when I read her comment in the letter I again was seeing another red flag! She said the ABA therapy hadn't really made a difference in my child. Uhm?? How can you say this? You don't even know my daughter. You have seen her for only a few short minutes. You are seeing a snapshot of my autistic child in a new place, who was hungry and bored out of her mind... and you are going to judge her on that visit? Whatever!

My thoughts are this... ABA is a lifestyle. It's not always straight drill and kill sessions. It's coupled with Natural Environment Training with helping them find their way at their pace. I don't think she would be where she is if it weren't for caring people listening to what she couldn't say and reading her body language.

When I first started to research ABA from a parent's perspective I really didn't find too many things on the Internet. I think it's missing. Like how to set up a therapy room in your house. How to look for tutors. IEP's and assessments. I will try to share what I know. What has worked and what hasn't.

In my personal experience, I say yes to ABA! I'll take the good, the bad and the ugly of it all. To hear my daughter say I love you and point to an airplane in the sky! It has changed out lives for the better!

Hi, my name is Amy and I am not Wonder Woman!

When I was a kid I loved watching Wonder Woman. I mean, she could do anything! Flying in an invisible plane, danger and drama! Oh the hair, that smile and the boots! Wow! When she came to the rescue you knew evil would be foiled! No bad guy could stand a chance with that lasso! She would deflect any bullet with those bracelets!

But, we all know this isn’t reality. It’s a fairy tale. I’m no longer a little girl who can play outside for countless hours in the summer sun. Riding my bike to the corner store or down suicide hill. Dangling from the monkey bars or trying to see if my feet could touch the sky while on the swings. I’m no longer that young lady going to youth rally’s or the mall. Writing letters to friends (uh, yes those were the days before the internet) or talking on the phone for hours. I’m no longer the single woman finding her place in this world or just being with friends doing whatever… just being.

I am a mom… not your everyday garden variety mom. I have a child with autism and a speech disorder. Life isn’t simple. Nothing is easy. I have become high maintenance. I loath high maintenance! Everything has to be so-so or we all fall apart. Secretly inside I wish I were younger dealing with this. I haven’t the energy as I once did and I have questioned God why now? Why here? But, I get the same thing every time… silence. I think He wants me to figure it out on my own. Follow the bread crumbs, Amy. It’s not as hard as you think it is. But, really it is!

If you would have told me years ago this would be my life… I would probably say bring it on! I’m tough I can handle anything. Then again, I might have panicked with the thought! If someone would wave a magic wand and she would be “typical” I don’t think I would know how to act. As chaotic as it is, this is my life! She’s my daughter!  There isn’t anything about her I would change… unless it would be her food allergies. It’s just a bummer for her!

But, if I did have a magic wand and I could change anything. The only thing I would change is my level of support. I am doing this alone. My Mother is older and not able to assist me like she did my older siblings when their children were small. I am conflicted… I so need to have time to get out of this house. But, I feel guilty just thinking about it. Let’s just say I didn’t feel guilty. Who would watch her so I could go do something for me? Herein lies my dilemma.

With that said, I wanted to let everyone know, in case there was a little confusion about this. I am not a super hero. I am not Wonder Woman. I am not the Bionic Woman.

I am a mom. I am a woman. I am still Amy.

“Morning is coming!”

I woke up earlier than planned this morning. Although not by choice, our electricity for the entire street is out and as I was on the phone with the electric company reporting the outage I had to step outside to confirm both sides of the street were without power. Ironically, one lone house on the end of the street has lights. Must be nice! But, in the silence I heard the singing of what seemed like flocks of birds in the distance.

It’s amazing the lifestyle we have grown accustom to with all the bells and whistles all brought to you by the wonder of electricity. I noticed something was missing too… the hum and buzz associated with the power.

I tried to go back to bed seeing it was before 5:30am… there were more sleeping hours available.  But, in the distance I noticed the sweet sound of birds singing. They were signifying the coming dawn. I’ve heard them before when I have had to be out and about this early. They are always singing this early. I would venture to say they start about 2 hours before the break of the first ray of light.

If I had the internet (not powered by electricity) I would google this info and understand the significance of there early morning communications. But, sadly enough it’s not going to happen. But, what I can do is sit here and listen….. to the pilot light on the hot water heater, the tick of the wall clock, me tapping on the keys of my laptop and then the sweet song of these birds signing, “Morning, morning is approaching.”  But this would usually be drown out by the hum of modern conveniences blocking out the sound.

There is a spiritual application here. For everything in the natural there is a spiritual connection. Psalms says, “weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning”.

We have all endured sorrow. We have all cried and begged God for the light of morning to start anew. I think God created these little creatures to signify the approach of the coming dawn. But, sometimes all the bells and whistles drown out the sound of the “watchman on the wall”. There have been times I have begged to hear from God that my trial was over. I have looked and looked…. thinking to myself “why doesn’t He ever answer me?” My problem? I’m connected to another power source and I can’t hear Him. He has sent the song of the bird and I can’t hear it over the hum. “Morning is coming, morning is coming”

God where are you? Tweet, tweet, tweet…. Morning is coming, morning is coming… But God will this night ever end? Tweet, tweet, tweet…. I feel so all alone, in the dark…. tweet, tweet, tweet.  He was talking all along and I didn’t hear Him.

“Morning is coming, morning is coming!”

You are what you eat.

My mind has been pondering some of the very basic needs we as humans need to survive. One being food. I truly need to get a grip on what I am eating…. what my family is eating. I am convinced now, more than ever, we are being poisoned. We the American people are being fed food that is tainted and we are passing this onto our children.

The American diet is nothing more than a sham! I read an article recently that likened our modern day diet to the old movie from the early 70’s “Soylent Green”.  Do we really know what we are eating? Do we even want to know? I feel like we have to take the blinders off and really take a hard look at where this food is coming from. We will assimilate what we eat. The old adage “You are what you eat” is truer than we give credence to.

I was able to watch two documentaries this past weekend on our American food industry. I’m sickened how we have turned a blind eye to big business and we have let these retards feed us crap… literally! We eat crap! I have struggled with what I am putting in my mouth.  I’ve known for the past year I have food allergies and I haven’t been too committed to the process of removing these said allergens from my diet. I can say I’m addicted to gluten and casein. Seriously addicted. I always wondered what was in McDonald’s food that once I ate it I would crave it. When I was a kid we had a pop machine in the youth center at our church. My drink of choice then was Dr Pepper. I knew that once I opened a can I would want another and another and then another. It was a never ending cycle of desire! I’ve been told if you are allergic to a food item you might find an addiction to it too. Hmmmm, this could be. I’m not a dr, but it sure seems strange!

About 2 years ago, in an all out effort to help Lauren get better, we decided to try a gluten free/casein free diet. A Dr in Florida had suggested it when she was about three years old. I wanted to try it, but back then, it was rather expensive and I wasn’t sure where to even begin. Since that time, there have been some real warriors you have done my homework for me. Thanks to them, my journey became a lot easier! My hats off you Autism Warrior Moms! I was amazed at the changes that happened. But, it seemed like it wasn’t enough. No matter how vigilant I was. There was always some kind of infraction… somewhere. But, where? For heaven’s sake I was a real booger about what Lauren came in contact with. Even her DAN Dr said she was getting something somewhere because of the red rim around her eyes were the tell tail sign. :((  What is a Mom to do?

I think I just became complacent in the past few months. I am ashamed to say since October “ish”, I have really dropped the ball in this area. It wasn’t until a friend was recently diagnosed with Celiac Disease, I was given a fresh pair of eyes. I feel like I have been reconnected to the mother ship. Through this I feel like I have been able to see what I have slacked on. The search was on again… for recipes or just anything to remind me of what I am suppose to be doing. I think this goes with anything in life. You need a refresher course to remind you of the little things you have missed along the way. In this renewed search, I found out something I never considered. In Lauren’s allergy test, she tested positive to an allergy to pork, chicken and beef. I just realized too that turkey wasn’t on the report. I wonder if they even tested for it. Or if it was and she wasn’t allergic to it. Anywho, back to the ranch here…. I never considered what the animal ate became meat. It is reported what a pig eats becomes meat within hours of consumption. I have been looking into what is fed to these animals. Which led me to the two documentaries and other reports.

I talked to a farmer a couple weeks ago. He raises grass-fed cows and lambs. No grain was given to the animals. He also raised poultry and pigs. He fed them with corn, soy and some other kind of grain. As soon as he said soy…. I didn’t hear anything else. Lauren’s #1 allergen is egg whites and a very close second is soy. So, that’s when I dug a little deeper to see that soy is one of the grains farmers feed chickens. Chicken are off limits until I can find some one who doesn't feed their chickens with soy. I think that’s just going to be next to impossible!

I’m glad I have been given this new perspective. God does work in strange ways!

In the coming days, I really want to explore a new way of living. I pray the Lord can help me to utilize what I have until He blesses us with our own home. Until then, I have 3 flower beds I can use and a nice assortment of pots to plant herbs. Spring is fast approaching better get myself in gear. If I’m not careful winter will be here again and nothing to show for my time!   

New Beginnings

It's been a long while since I have even thought about blogging here. I think it's time.
There are people out in cyber-land who need to hear something positive about life with a child with autism. Or know that a marriage can survive trials and tribulations and you can heal and get over it! So here I am making a fresh start here. Well, not a completely new start... I'll be using the same site... oh never mind, you get the idea, right?

So where have I been? For the survival of my family and with every one's sanity in mind, my mother moved back to her hometown. Yes, she is very happy. Oh and we are glad she is happy!

Through a bizarre chain of events we were able to put our daughter into a home based program. We have a BCBA who over sees her program and tutors who come out during the week. Our daughter is making great strides. More about that later!

Then probably, I think anyway, the most amazing news of all. My husband was diagnosed with ADD and since being placed on medication, he is a new man! I love Strattera! This in itself, has been the one catalyst which has been able to bring healing into our little family! What a wonderful thing!

So, in the coming days, I am hoping to bring info that has helped us heal our woes. Also, share our journey with our daughter and how autism is not a death sentence. There is joy in the morning! There is life after gluten egg, soy, dairy and corn free eating....lol! Yeah, I know! Talk about allergies! Whew!
Enjoy!