Where are my super hero boots?

I woke up this morning not thinking about when the next time he would cycle. I knew it was about time. But, I had been secretly hoping against hope he wouldn't this time.

But, this afternoon I heard the footsteps pounding down the stairs... here he comes... I took a deep breath. I held it in, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It wasn't anything too monumental. He stood there and didn't say a word. I offered him some homemade salsa and a smile. No response.

I asked if he had trouble sleeping. No response. He stood over me as I sat at the table.

Speak for crying out loud!

Mercy!

Finally the barrage of smart comments and questions. He asked me several times if I went anywhere today. I told him each time, "No" I was losing patience quickly. But, by the time it was all said and done... Mom excused herself to leave the room ( I don't blame her) and I was wanting to pull my hair out.

This man isn't well and I am fading fast. For heaven's sake, get help!

I have done this torrid dance with him for 12 years now and I want to sit this one out. I can tell you all of the reasons I am here... but there are times I question my own responses.

I have friends and family that ask me "why are you still there?" I know I have lost friends because of the drama of my marriage. Although, I really don't care anymore what anyone thinks. I have my reasons and there is a method to my madness... you'll see!

But, the one thing I wonder... how much longer will this continue? How much longer will I be safe from another violent attack? How much more can I take? I am only one person... What am I expected to be? I am not Wonder Woman!

I'm listening Lord, really I am...

This weekend did not go as planned. Now maybe God had it planned this way but I most certainly did not.
I have been under a tremendous load of stress in the past few months. It seems in the past week or so I was drowning in it. I found I was not really able to keep myself afloat in the day to day stresses. So, upon an invitation I received from a friend to come to her home for a visit. I packed a bag or two and left early Friday morning for rest and relaxation... or so I thought.
I figured the time away would be much needed. I mean really, she has a pool and lives in a very quiet neighborhood... how could I do anything but rest? Let's say, nothing turned out as planned... NOTHING!
In retrospect, I learned some things about myself. I have limits and I can no longer ignore my limits. I must stop living with an altered view of my reality.

One, I have no business staying all night at any one's home EVER!
I am past the age of "sleep overs". Plus, I have my daughter who has Autism to think about. My friend's house was not child proof. Let alone, ready for my daughter. At least, at home she can play in the backyard with her yard toys while I rest on my porch. She can sleep in her own bed and eat food that she is suppose to eat... you get the idea.

Two, I need to know my limits.
I still seem to see myself as the woman I was before Autism. I get frustrated about finances. So, I decide I am going to get a job. I go as far as to get an interview all to realize... this isn't a possibility any longer. It's not possible to live as I had. When I come to myself... it's the cold realization.... I can no longer do the things I did before without having to work around a child with a disability. The frustration I cause myself all because I do not take notice of my limits. Not only that, but the stress I put my daughter through while I am trying to let it sink in to my thick skull. Poor girl!

Three, my family is my ministry.
I recently resigned a ministry I felt I needed to be involved in. I really thought this was the direction the Lord was leading me in. But, after months of gentle prodding from the Lord. I resigned. In the quiet, I heard His still small voice tell me... "your family is your ministry." I have no business going away for days on end and leaving my daughter and husband without the support they need. This is my calling. To help them be all they can be. I read something this week which really touched me. In the Hebrew, the word Help Meet means "lifesaver, to come up alongside" My husband needs this kind of consistency. To come along side and be there as a support to him. Until he and my daughter are well, this is my ministry and I don't believe the Lord will honor my decision unless I take care of this first. I have been called to be my daughter's mother. She is my responsibility to raise her in the fear and admonition of the Lord. Not chase after my dreams and desires. This is not to say I shouldn't have mommy time. I'm saying, my families needs need to be met before I think about fulfilling my desires.

I want to say in my friend's defense... she tried to the best of her ability to make me feel comfortable in her home. She fixed me a lovely dinner and took me to some yard sales. She was gracious and kind to us. If it were just me alone, I would have been more relaxed and be able to enjoy myself more. But, for now... it's not only me but my precious little girl.
Thanks for opening your home to me and may God bless your efforts to try and help me rest.
God has blessed me with some good friends.

This is Lauren

I was encouraged recently by a friend to share my testimony about my daughter, Lauren. At first I was a little hesitant, but as time as gone by I keep hearing this phrase over and over in my head. "I can't be the only apostolic parent with an autistic child. So, here I am sharing this with you...On this coming Monday, my daughter Lauren will be 6 years old. Even though she is over 4 feet tall and looks like a normal child she is in many ways just like a 2 years old. The sad part is, I know she knows what is going on around her. She is so smart. I have had therapists say, "It's like she is in there and she can't get out." This is very frustrating for a mother to hear. She is non-verbal and I can count on 1 hand the times she has called me Mom. Although there are many things stacked against her... I know a God who can do ALL things.In the past few years, we have been blessed to have many men of God tell us she will be healed. There is a man in Tennessee that stands in for her every service for her healing. A lady that attends my church has fasted every Wednesday since last summer. I'm sure there are others I am not aware of.... God is faithful I believe He will answer.Through all the therapies and drs appointments I have come up empty handed. Until this past year. It all started when the Lord moved us back home to Ohio. I was able to get her into the Children's Hospital in Cincy. There we finally had a diagnosis... she's in the spectrum. Alrighty then... it's about time! I say this because she was originally diagnosed with a Severe Global Developmental Delay at 18 months... that's fancy talk for " your daughter is really behind and we don't know why!" :)I'll spare you all of the gory details. But through a chain of events... a book from the library, a book my mother gave me last summer and a mother I met on an autism online support group. I was led to the one truth... we have gotten away from the one thing that could stop this from happening in the future... we are living out of balance with how God intended us to live. We eat and drink junk, get very little sleep, live in an environment that is poisoning us daily. There has to be a change... we have to get back to the basics of how God intended us to live.In the coming weeks I will blog about what is happening with Lauren and her treatments to remove the toxicity from her body. Eventually, I will post a video of a before and after. If I can figure out how to do this...lol!I know there is a reason for all of this. I may never know the full magnitude of this entire experience. But, I do know if Lauren's testimony can reach someone or bring someone hope. Well, then it will be worth it all.If you do have a child that is disabled in some way... don't give up hope! There is a God and He cares about you and the silent struggles you go through on a daily basis! He is with you in the quiet times when you don't think you can go on. He's with you when you are in the whirlwind of Dr appts and therapies. He is with you while you wait in a waiting room alone while your child in is surgery. He is with you when you have to come to grips with the cold reality that this is your life for however long it is meant to be.Hang in there... this too shall pass. Whether in this life or the next, it will pass!God Bless

Going forward!

I need drugs... well not really. Although there are times I think I would benefit from being comatose. I have had this tightness in my chest on and off for months. NO, I'm not having a heart attack! I think I would know if I am having a heart attack. It's just I am surrounded by stressful things and people. I'm tired of the drama. I can't help it if I was raised by primates that thrive on stress and chaos. I have tried my best to remove myself from this way of life as best as I can. It always seems to find me. So, upon receiving sound advice from my dearest friend and since I don't drink or do drugs. I am drinking a very strong cup of "tension tamer" tea. I do feel some what better...more relaxed. You know I'll take it!

Lauren had a relapse this week on her diet. Actually her mother failed her. I thought I would try something she hasn't eaten since she started this diet to see if she could have it. Oh mercy... she is like the old Lauren. I hadn't realized how much better she had been. All of the autistic behaviors are back with a vengeance. Eyes dilated, the "shhh" noise she makes between clinched teeth, grinding her teeth and the hyper-motoric behavior is back also. Well I know not to do that again. Poor girl. I gave her a Melatonin and put her to bed. Hopefully it will help her to sleep through the night. She is even back to fighting me at bed time. Up and down, up and down! Lord give me strength! It will take a few days to get her straightened out again!

I guess this brings me back to the one truth... if you fall off the horse get back up and ride! I have to persevere! "I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus" Phil 3:14 I know I have to go forward. If she is to get better I have to go forward. If I am to make it in... I must press forward! With my eyes on the mark, not looking to the right or the left! As complicated as my life has been... this is the constant! Pressing on! Like the farmer with his hand to the plow... I heard it once said the farmers believed God was working something out in them while they held the plow straight.
Work it out in me Lord. Whatever it is... work it out!

Where will you be in 20 years?

I woke up this morning in the typical manner. Lauren is heading off somewhere. Donnie is calling her name incessantly over and over. (Like she is going to respond there, Skippy) The only difference I felt like I was hung over. All morning I couldn't seem to get it together. It wasn't until just after noon that I realized what today was. 20 years ago today my dad passed away. Weird! I mean truly, where has the time gone? 20 years to some could be a lifetime. With that being the standard I have lived 2 lifetimes at this point...
The first 20 years I spent with him and the second 20 without. If I had to choose which 20 I would have to live over... the first 20, without a doubt! But, then there is the strange thing about not having Lauren and that isn't an option! Anyway, for many years there wasn't a day that went by I didn't think about him sometime during the day. At one point, it seemed I made a pledge to myself I would think about him daily no matter what! I never thought there would come a day I wouldn't think about him somewhere in the course of my day. But, life just happens. Even though I may not stop to think about him, he is with me everyday. He's in my daughter's name, in the little things I do I never realized was sooo my dad. When my dad was ready to go somewhere, man he was ready to go and he waited for no man or child...lol! There were many times I wasn't even in the car. My foot was still on the driveway and he was backing out. "Dad, what are you doing? I'm leaving!" He would reply. Well, alrighty then. Uhmmm, I have done this several times to my husband...lol!!!! Oh and when he was done talking on the phone he would hang up without saying goodbye. Once I called him back and asked him what happened. He said he was done talking. I told him I wasn't. His retort, "Well, I was." Oh, but this really doesn't apply to me... lol! Even though he's gone, I know it's cliche, but he will always be in my heart. He is why I am who I am today. My dad was dedicated to being faithful to the house of God. I am grateful he lead that example in front of me. He hated being late for anything. When I was younger I was notoriously late... but it's funny after I became a mom that dad gene kicked in and I hate being late for anything. Not saying I don't drag from time to time... don't we all?
I guess, this is only for one reason and one reason only... I miss my dad. They broke the mold when they made him. He worked even when he was sick to take care of his family. He never complained when he was in so much pain. He was never hurtful or uncaring. If he was talking it was important so we always listened. He worshipped my mother and would move heaven and earth to make her happy regardless the cost. When he was a boy he had a paper route and was hit by a car and spent several months in a body cast. After getting out he was helping with work on the house and fell off a ladder. The injury sustained cost him his hip bone. Dr removed the joint and fused it together. He missed 2 years of school. So, he decided to go back to graduate even though he was 2 years behind. Oh and believe it or not he walked to school everyday. He wanted to be an architect and was working 2 jobs and going to college when mom and dad were first married. When they found out my brother was on the way. He quit school and got on at the factory. When I asked him about it I didn't get why he didn't do what made him happy. He said, "it's not about being happy it's about taking care of your family!" I never understood why you couldn't have both. I guess, sometimes you just can't have both. After he passed, when I met people who had a bad experience with their fathers, I would feel guilty. I wouldn't share something thoughtful about him. I couldn't handle the look of longing or disdain. You know, it doesn't bother me anymore. I came to realize it's not my fault their dad wasn't a winner. Why should I feel guilty for something I have no control over. I am proud he is my dad and the only thing I would change.... he would be here, right now!
Well, someday, Lord willing I am going to see him again over there. Thank you Lord for blessing me with the most wonderful dad. How could I have asked for more?

Taking it back to basics

I have been trying to find natural recipes for household products and health & beauty products. I can't believe how many websites I actually found. I never thought I would consider making my own products. But, since my daughter was diagnosed with autism I realized the only way to help her recover completely is to remove all toxic substances from our home. Her poor body is already compromised...so it's time to clean it up. Why not everyone get in on the action? Really it can't hurt anything.
I did find a great web page that has so many recipes I was so excited. I think I was on it for a few hours looking at all of the great ideas. I could try something new when I was done and never get bored. The options are endless. I am totally excited! Ok, I said that already. Did I say I was excited? Well, I am! This is wonderful. I can make our own products and not worry what is hidden that could potentially harm her. Rule of thumb, if you can't put it in your mouth, you shouldn't put it on your body. Why you ask? Well, your skin is the largest organ of your body and what goes on it will go through your skin and into your body. So think about it, we are poisoning ourselves with the crap we put on our bodies. Let alone what is in our foods already. It's crazy!
Anywho, if you are interested, you can check out this site....http://www.bathandbodyrecipes.com/ They claim to have close to 800 recipes. I'm not kidding when I said I was on it for a few hours.
Check it out... you never know what you might learn. Plus, why in the world are we trying to kill ourselves with all of this man made junk anyway? It's not how God created it to be. So why not take it back to the basics? Just a thought.

Here's to blogging again...

Sometimes a fresh start is a good thing. Right? Sure! So, here I am starting a fresh. I think over the past year or so I lost my desire to blog. Mainly from the occasional "know it all" that would rain on my blog-parade. Ok, people just for the record... I am blogging because I can't afford a therapist. Plain and simple! Please don't complicate this anymore than it should be. I find pleasure in writing my feelings out and sharing the pains of my daily life. Not that anyone is truly interested. You get this, right?



Ok, moving right along... we finally had beautiful weather today. I am getting bored with the gloom of Ohio weather. You would think since I was raised here I would remember how unpredictable the weather can be. It's true what they say, "if you don't like the weather, stick around a little while and it will change." Yeah, whatever... it has been gloomy and rainy for weeks. I need sunshine! Perpetual sunshine! I want to capture it and stick in a box and harness it's happy rays. I need those good UVs to make me feel happy again. Plus, I will never be able to get my yard work done if it's always raining. I will never be able to get anything done if I don't get any sleep either. So, I will write more later on whatever grabs me... I need some sleep! Night!