I wonder….

 

I wonder what would happen if I shirked all of my responsibilities and locked myself into my bedroom and refused to come out.

I wonder what would happen if I didn’t speak when someone spoke to me.

I wonder what would happen if I made myself unavailable to my daughter... I didn’t make it my concern if she were fed, dressed, diaper was changed or if she were safe.

I wonder what would happen if I didn’t worry about the bills… thinking if I hid myself away I wouldn’t have to deal with them or someone else would step in to take care of what was happening.

I wonder what would happen if I lived my life as if I were single. I didn’t have to meet the needs of a partner. I didn’t have to plan for the future or some unforeseen circumstance.

I wonder what would happen if I passed the blame onto someone else and not take responsibility for my own actions.

I wonder what would happen if I misconstrued things people would say.

I wonder what would happen if I surmised interactions with others… not seeing things for what they really were.

I wonder what would happen if I slept when I wanted to, ate what I wanted to, watched what I wanted to, did whatever I wanted to with no regard for others feelings or desires.

I wonder what would happen if I turned the tables on my husband and acted as he did toward me and our daughter every day.

I wonder if it would even matter to him.

I wonder if he would even notice.

I wonder if I would want to waste one more minute wondering as if it would change anything.