What is wrong with me lately?
I can’t blame it on the weather. I can’t blame it on a full moon.I can’t blame it on hormones. I can’t blame it on anyone else but myself. I have struggled for awhile now with this attitude. Some mornings I wake up in a funk. Others I am great and then something happens and I’m a mess the rest of the day.
I really can’t put my finger on any one thing. It’s a myriad of things. For example, Lauren is now in school and it started off really good. I really like the teacher and the aides. About 4 days into the first week I’m informed she needs her own aide. This is never heard of. I can’t believe they told me this. Usually parents have to fight for their child to get an aide and they asked me if I would mind. Uhm, not really if it’s in her best interest and the interest of her peers… knock yourself out! But, my first impression of her new aide was, how should I say this? It wasn’t the greatest. She literally looked like she rolled out of bed, grabbed clothes from a laundry basket and ran. Her hair reminds me of Albert Einstein… I’m not exaggerating! My first thought was, “if you can’t take care of yourself, how in the world can you take care of my daughter?” But, she is really nice and she seems to really want to do good for Lauren. She’s a people pleaser with her feelings on her sleeves. I can’t handle another high maintenance person in my life. What is wrong with me that I can’t just let this roll off my back? I know I can’t control everything.
I truly think this is the root of my problem. I feel out of control. I can’t control anything. I don’t want to control everything… or do I? Obviously, I do. Goodness! Those who know me well can attest to the fact, I am a bit of a control freak. I have even referred to myself as Lauren’s neurotic mother. However jokingly I may have said it in passing I really am.
It’s just she has been under my care for the past 8 years. I have painstakingly anticipated her every need. For crying out loud, she can’t tell me. So, I would think to myself… what would I want in this situation and then tailor it to a little girl. I’m grateful the Lord helped me be mindful for her sake. I couldn’t hear her voice… so someone had to, right? Wow, I just never saw this coming. I thought I was fine. I thought once she was in school I could step back into the roll of Amy. Nope! Not possible. Lauren has been my drug of choice. She has filled up my days so I wouldn’t have to think about what was wrong with me. I didn’t have time to think about it. Now I do. I don’t like what I see. I have prided myself in pretending like I had it together… oh Amy, who are you fooling? Only yourself…. only yourself!
So, please if you have personal contact with me… excuse my outspoken behavior. Please excuse an irritated glance at something you say that really wasn’t bad after all. I’ve got issues I’m working through and I’m learning how not to be this control freak mom of an autistic kid. Thanks in advance!
2 comments:
Amy - I have experienced alot of these same feelings with Misty. She came to us at the age of 13, broken, not able to speak up for herself, not even knowing what she wants. I have gone to court for her, fought her family's abusive words, not to mention the people from children's services who fought against us taking her. SO... now.... I have her in counseling... why? Because she is SO dependent on me that I CAN'T BREATHE!!!! Hmmm... wonder how that happened... :D But, I was working on her behalf, trying to help. I now know that I am only hurting her by hanging on so tightly.
Now, I'm not saying this is the case with your daughter, because she's still young. (Misty is 16 now and cries if she has to go somewhere alone!)... but yea... I do understand.
As for the ups and downs in your emotions, many things come to mind. Based on my own personal experience, it's usually the enemy of my soul. He likes to mess me up like that and make me all confused and upset so I can sit and wonder what's wrong with me... sometimes, I'll get wise to him and "shake it off" in Jesus' Name! ;-)
Don't be too hard on yourself. You're in good company! ((HUGS))
Thank you for sharing your heart.... this is so hard! To step back and to know when too much is too much!
I think it's only natural to want to protect her from anything that could be harmful. But, I think I'm taking baby steps to knowing the difference of what is truly harmful or me being over protective.
Thank you again for being transparent! I really appreciate your friendship!
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