Letting Go

When I think of those two words so many things come to mind. Like letting go of someone’s hand.

Letting go of holding your breath.

Letting go of a loved one who is leaving this realm for the next.

Letting go of a friendship that was and no longer is.

Letting go of hopes and dreams.

Let’s just face the cold, hard facts… letting go isn’t easy in any capacity.

Letting go is like admitting defeat. Letting go is like saying goodbye.

Letting go, although is mostly used in a negative form, can be used for the positive.

I’m letting go of negative thought processes. I’m letting go of my failures and believing in the possibilities again. I’m letting go of what I feel others think of me. I’m letting go of unforgiveness, bitterness and anger. I’m letting go of the past and embracing the future. Cause let’s face it, we really don’t want to relive the past no matter what we tell ourselves.

As for me, I let go along time ago of what I thought parenting was going to be like. I hadn’t a clue what was in store. Every child is different. Who knows what each little life will bloom into. To compare to others is almost guaranteeing certain death. Death to the possibilities of what he or she can become. It’s unhealthy expectations. Expecting them to live a life that wasn’t theirs to begin with. Why would I want her to be like someone else’s child anyway? But, we all do it. It’s human nature to want for them the same things we had and more.

I urge you to re-evaluate what you are holding onto that may not be healthy or is false. I challenge you to let go of unhealthy expectations of others, yourself and your child. I’m not saying not to pursue excellence. I’m saying take inventory. Make a pro and con list of your life and what is pushing you toward whatever goals you may have. Give yourself permission to grieve what you imagined life should have been like. Accept those for who they are . You know, it is what it is.

We may not have signed up for this. But someone thought we were perfect for the job!

Stay encouraged. Hug your loved ones a little tighter. Get a good night’s sleep and be sure to pray more everyday!

Here’s to the future!

I hate it’s been so long since last I wrote. I have determined to write more often. I have seen the slew of blogs on gluten free living and an allergy free lifestyles. I really enjoy reading them all. It has truly been a beacon of light on the dark waters of this torrent sea. But, I haven’t seen too many blogs touch on the other side of the spectrum… pardon the pun. I’m sure they are out there. Or maybe it’s I don’t have the time to search… which is probably more the reason for coming up empty handed.

It’s just when I was first looking into having an in-home ABA therapy program for my daughter. I had no idea how to set up her room, what kind of manipulatives I needed, how to find a tutor, how was I going to afford everything. It was a maze of trial and error and honestly if it weren’t for the Good Lord I don’t know how I could have pulled it off!

I will say this… I’m sure there are those out there that have done it better than me and my hat is off to you. I just wish I knew then what I know now and I wish I would have had someone help steer me in the right direction.

So, I’m excited to say, I will be changing things up a bit and adding more helps with ideas for therapies. Things we have tried that worked or that failed miserably.

So here’s to the future… may it be so bright you have to wear shades!

Going the distance!

I recently started working in the office at my daughter's school. It's not your typical school. It's a center for children with autism. I love the fact each child is being reached on their particular level. There is such a peaceful presence when you walk in the door.

We started out at home until we thought she was ready to make the move into public schools. Unfortunately, that didn't work. It was a complete failure. Thankfully, a friend was starting this center and it has been a God-send! She has flourished since being out of the house and around others. Her language has really taken off... what an awesome thing!!

Today, I had the distinct pleasure of talking to a mom who's child was recently diagnosed with autism. In a moment, all of the emotions I felt came back in a flood. I wanted to reach through the phone and just give her a hug. No one understands me like another mom with a child with autism. You understand my daily worries and struggles. You get me and my kid and for that I'm eternally grateful! I wanted to make it all better for her. I wanted to go to her home and help her. I offered her everything I knew I could, without overwhelming her. I have the tendency to do that...lol! But, as much as I wanted to help her, I can't do it all. Some things you have to go through yourself. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger, right?

Recently a friend said to me... "no one is going to take your daughter across the finish line but YOU! No BCBA! No tutor! No one, but YOU!"

She's right, if Lauren is going to get better, I have to be the CEO of this business and run it like a business. I know it may sound crazy and impersonal. But, think about all of the ins and outs involved... you have to run it like a business. No fooling around with the bottom line. What's the bottom line? Lauren is the bottom line! God gave her to me for a reason and whatever the reason... He must have felt I could handle the challenge and both of our lives would be fruitless without each other.

So, I encourage you to take ownership of your child's future. Arm yourself with the know-how. You have been given a task and some One thought you could handle it or He would have give it to someone else!

Carpe Diem!

You are a hard habit to break.

Three years ago we removed all gluten and casein from my daughter's life on a suggestion from her Dr. Whether internally or on the skin, we made sure all things containing gluten or casein were banished, but not completely from the house. My husband and I still ate products that contained them. I tried to be very careful with cross contamination. We had a few infractions during this time. My elderly mother was living with us and she is old school... giving food is a sign of love. I think some of the worst infractions came from her unwittingly.

Although we decided to try this as an experiment to see if it would help with her autism (oh and it did!). It wasn't until later my daughter and I were tested for food allergies. I'm really glad we did this to see what other allergens we didn't know about. This is when I found out about my allergies to gluten and casein also.

Since I was a child I wondered about the times I couldn't finish our Saturday morning rituals of pancakes or pizza Friday nights. It always found me in the bathroom very sick and no energy for a couple days. I think I passed it off as it wasn't something I ate on a regular basis and it didn't agree with me. After the test results it made so much sense.

I've known for 2 years now I'm allergic to gluten and all dairy products. But, for some reason I'm still ingesting gluten and casein on a daily bases. I'm sick just about everyday and have little to no energy. Why in the world do I do this to myself? If you knew it wasn't good for you wouldn't you just stop? I honestly feel like an addict. I need to remember how I felt when I was "clean" for about 30 days. I felt so good! I know this may sound crazy, but I felt good in my head. I thought better and had more energy and with my daughter's autism on the daily agenda I need to have all the energy I can muster. Seriously, why is this so hard. I quit smoking.... I quit drinking or did I? I recently read an article of the connection between alcoholism and gluten allergy. I've wondered why in the past several years since I gave my life back to the Lord and quit drinking why I would crave the taste of a beer. I have struggled with this thinking what is wrong with my walk with the Lord can't I get this straight. But, after reading this article it all came together. I'm getting my gluten fix just not from beer. Now this puts an entire different spin on this. Wow!

In light of this, I'm taking the plunge again. Tomorrow is my d-day. I have to say I'm scared to death and I haven't a clue why. All I know is, I see people who are older than I who run circles around me. I'm tired of feeling poorly all the time. It's time! It's time to live healthier and think healthier. My family needs me and I need me to be better.

So you bad gluten and casein proteins be go with thee!! New recipes and feeling better come on in and sit down for awhile! Let's do this!!

I wonder….

 

I wonder what would happen if I shirked all of my responsibilities and locked myself into my bedroom and refused to come out.

I wonder what would happen if I didn’t speak when someone spoke to me.

I wonder what would happen if I made myself unavailable to my daughter... I didn’t make it my concern if she were fed, dressed, diaper was changed or if she were safe.

I wonder what would happen if I didn’t worry about the bills… thinking if I hid myself away I wouldn’t have to deal with them or someone else would step in to take care of what was happening.

I wonder what would happen if I lived my life as if I were single. I didn’t have to meet the needs of a partner. I didn’t have to plan for the future or some unforeseen circumstance.

I wonder what would happen if I passed the blame onto someone else and not take responsibility for my own actions.

I wonder what would happen if I misconstrued things people would say.

I wonder what would happen if I surmised interactions with others… not seeing things for what they really were.

I wonder what would happen if I slept when I wanted to, ate what I wanted to, watched what I wanted to, did whatever I wanted to with no regard for others feelings or desires.

I wonder what would happen if I turned the tables on my husband and acted as he did toward me and our daughter every day.

I wonder if it would even matter to him.

I wonder if he would even notice.

I wonder if I would want to waste one more minute wondering as if it would change anything.

Diary entry of a recovering control freak.

What is wrong with me lately?

I can’t blame it on the weather. I can’t blame it on a full moon.I can’t blame it on hormones. I can’t blame it on anyone else but myself. I have struggled for awhile now with this attitude. Some mornings I wake up in a funk. Others I am great and then something happens and I’m a mess the rest of the day.

I really can’t put my finger on any one thing. It’s a myriad of things. For example, Lauren is now in school and it started off really good. I really like the teacher and the aides. About 4 days into the first week I’m informed she needs her own aide. This is never heard of. I can’t believe they told me this. Usually parents have to fight for their child to get an aide and they asked me if I would mind. Uhm, not really if it’s in her best interest and the interest of her peers… knock yourself out! But, my first impression of her new aide was, how should I say this? It wasn’t the greatest. She literally looked like she rolled out of bed, grabbed clothes from a laundry basket and ran. Her hair reminds me of Albert Einstein… I’m not exaggerating! My first thought was, “if you can’t take care of yourself, how in the world can you take care of my daughter?” But, she is really nice and she seems to really want to do good for Lauren. She’s a people pleaser with her feelings on her sleeves. I can’t handle another high maintenance person in my life. What is wrong with me that I can’t just let this roll off my back? I know I can’t control everything.

I truly think this is the root of my problem. I feel out of control. I can’t control anything. I don’t want to control everything… or do I? Obviously, I do. Goodness! Those who know me well can attest to the fact, I am a bit of a control freak. I have even referred to myself as Lauren’s neurotic mother. However jokingly I may have said it in passing I really am.

It’s just she has been under my care for the past 8 years. I have painstakingly anticipated her every need. For crying out loud, she can’t tell me. So, I would think to myself… what would I want in this situation and then tailor it to a little girl. I’m grateful the Lord helped me be mindful for her sake. I couldn’t hear her voice… so someone had to, right? Wow, I just never saw this coming. I thought I was fine. I thought once she was in school I could step back into the roll of Amy. Nope! Not possible. Lauren has been my drug of choice. She has filled up my days so I wouldn’t have to think about what was wrong with me. I didn’t have time to think about it. Now I do. I don’t like what I see. I have prided myself in pretending like I had it together… oh Amy, who are you fooling? Only yourself…. only yourself!

So, please if you have personal contact with me… excuse my outspoken behavior. Please excuse an irritated glance at something you say that really wasn’t bad after all. I’ve got issues I’m working through and I’m learning how not to be this control freak mom of an autistic kid. Thanks in advance!

Consistent Connections

I believe it’s in the consistent little things we make a difference. As with anything in our lives we can build something with stick-to-itiveness. The same is with our kids. Whether on the spectrum or not. With consistency we can teach a myriad of things. But since I only have one child and she’s on the spectrum I can truthfully only speak from my experiences.

Let’s face it, there are days I’m tired. I just want to sleep in and not have to deal with the stresses of everyday life. Of course, I don’t have that luxury any longer. The days of staying up late and sleeping past 9 are in the distant past. My girl is awake with the first crack of light and she has NEVER taken a nap… NEVER! So for over 8 years we roll from the minute her feet hit the floor until it’s bedtime. So you can say, to be on my A game is vitally important everyday. But, I can’t honestly say I am. This is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I thought I was prepared to be a parent… of a typical kid. But, one with autism? I have to believe God knew what He was doing. I have to draw from the truths I have been taught, He will never put more on me than I can bare.

Ok, so with this said… being consistent while teaching fundamentally basic concepts… uhm, let’s just say I’m not consistent! I wish I were super mom who could do it all. But, it’s a miracle some days she is clothed and fed. Most days I am in survival mode, running defense and putting out fires. She is one busy girl to say the least. I wish I could bottle that energy, I would make a fortune!

But, this morning it was good… I mean really good. We communicated. It may not have been about what she was going to wear or what she wanted for Christmas. But, we communicated meaningfully. From the moment I opened the door to her room to get her up for school we chatted. I asked her how she slept. She didn’t say anything. Then I said the magic words… “Let’s get up, we need to get ready for school.” Her first response was “In the car?” me- “Yup we are going to school in the car” From this moment on I thought I would take advantage of this situation and try to connect and it was good. We really connected. She even gave me a kiss, unwarranted. Maybe she was saying thank you for caring mommy to try to talk to me. I don’t know. But, it sure felt good!

Things are far from perfect. But, hopefully being consistent in trying to reach her just a little bit everyday will let her know I think she is worthwhile. I value you as a human being. You have importance. Even if she doesn’t communicate like everyone else… I made a connection. I’m going to do this again even if I don’t make a connection… I will stay consistent!

Comfort Food for My Soul

It has been over 2 years since we implemented the GF/CF diet. Several years ago, Lauren’s pediatrician had suggested we try it even before she was officially diagnosed with Autism. He treated a family with 5 children who all had autism. The mother had a hunch and thought she would try it just to see what happened.

The Dr. said if he hadn’t seen the results with his own eyes he would have never believed it. He had to wrap them in a sheet just to look in their ears and eyes. But, after the diet change they were able to sit still with not freaking out at all… to him this was a miracle. I would have to agree!

Unfortunately at that time it was too costly and there wasn’t much info on the internet so we declined. After a little while the subject came up again and this time we were in a place we could give it an honest try. I’m so glad we did. I can’t say it’s been a piece of cake… Ha! No pun intended! It has changed our lives in so many ways I would have never dreamed of.

Lauren was completely non-verbal until she was 6. Within 2 weeks of starting the diet she started talking. What a miracle. After more testing, we discovered she was allergic to many other foods. Since then she has made even more strides!

But, one of the things I have missed are comfort foods. Things as simple as Mac n Cheese. I can’t tell you how long it’s been since we’ve had mac n cheese in our house. I can hear the masses… “There is no way I could give up Mac n Cheese!” You would if it meant your child would say “Mommy” for the first time! You would learn to live without it if you knew it were in her better interest.

So, with that said… I have had a hankering for Tuna Noodle Casserole. You have no idea how long it’s been since I’ve had this. I know, it’s so simple… but really it’s not if you follow the classic recipe with the canned soup. Which is a no-no in our house! Anyways, this recipe turned out fabulous! I can’t believe how easy it was too! Ah-mazing!!

This is my first recipe I'm sharing with you all... so please have mercy on me. I'm a little on the nervous side...lol (nervous laughter) so enjoy!

Ingredients

• Olive oil
• 1 (8 ounce) package uncooked rice fettuccini noodle (I use A Taste of Thai noodles, yummy)
• 1/2 medium onion, finely chopped
• 1 stalk celery, finely chopped
• 1 clove garlic, minced
• 8 ounces button mushrooms, sliced
• 1/4 cup arrowroot powder
• 2 cups milk (I used unsweetened So Delicious Coconut Milk)
• salt, pepper and parsley to taste
• 2 (6 ounce) cans tuna, drained and flaked (beware of regular tuna in the can. It contains soybeans. I used Wild Planet Skip Jack Tuna…very nice)
• 1 cup frozen peas, thawed
• 3 tablespoons crunched Lay’s potato chips
• 1 cup shredded Cheddar cheese(or Daiya)

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Be sure to use a glass baking dish so you won’t have to oil the bottom of your pan.
2. Bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a boil. Add rice noodles, follow directions on the side of the box.
3. Pour olive oil in a skillet, enough to give a light cover to the bottom, over medium-low heat. Stir in the onion, celery, and garlic, and cook 5 minutes, until tender. Increase heat to medium-high, and mix in mushrooms. Continue to cook and stir 5 minutes, or until most of the liquid has evaporated.
4. Remove mixture into a dish. In the same pan, put 1/4 olive oil in a medium saucepan, and whisk in flour until smooth. Gradually whisk in milk, and continue cooking 5 minutes, until sauce is smooth and slightly thickened. Season with salt, pepper and parsley. Stir in tuna, peas, mushroom mixture, and cooked noodles. Transfer to the baking dish. Crush potato chips over the casserole. Top with cheese (or Daiya).
5. Bake 25 minutes in the preheated oven, or until bubbly and lightly browned.

One thing I did for our family was I baked my daughter’s in a separate baking dish. This way she could have her own non-allergic cheese on top and we could have our cheese. It was a win/win.

It’s too heavy to carry…

I have recently considered pulling out one of my favorite books "Tramp for the Lord" by Corrie Ten Boom. If you know anything about me... she is my hero. I would have loved to have met her. To have sit with her and drink up her life experience and have her pour into me what she knew. But since she is no longer with us in this life, her books with have to do.

Going about my morning, I was thinking about a situation I have been dealing with. You know, I really thought I had dealt with this already. But, actually I only compartmentalized it. In mediating on the Lord and this circumstance I remembered something I read by Corrie Ten Boom. Just in case you haven't heard about her I will share a little bit about her. If you have, bear with me.

Her father was a watch maker and they lived in a town outside of Amsterdam. Every so often he would board a train, with a very large suitcase, for Amsterdam to get parts for his watches. Plus, there was an atomic clock in Amsterdam he would set his clocks by while he was in the city. One day when Corrie was about 9 years old, she road with her father to Amsterdam. The day before children at school was talking about something adult in nature and she didn't understand what they meant. She asked her father but he never responded to her queries. They proceeded about their morning and then boarded the train to return home. Her relationship with her father was such she would do whatever he would ask her to do without a question. So, when it came time for their stop he turned to her and asked her to grab the large suitcase. Knowing it was almost impossible for her to lift, she tried anyways. She told her father she couldn't. He said, "Correct! Some things are too heavy for you to carry and you must leave your father to carry them."

I am reminded of this story again today. There are some things that are too heavy for me to carry. I must allow my Father to carry them for me.

Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. I Peter 5:7

Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken. Psalms 55:22

It's the Great Pumpkin Amy!

Well, I did it! I finally gave in and carved a pumpkin. I was thinking back trying to remember the last time I tried this. Well, it has to be more than 14 years ago... at least.
Let me say, it's not as easy as I remembered. Just for the record, I'm not a big fan of Halloween. I don't dress up or dress up Lauren. I did when she was really little... she was a black and white kitty! She was adorable! I guess I have trouble reconciling my beliefs with the practice of the holiday. I don't do horror and Lauren can't eat candy...so why bother anyways, right?
But, for those of you who do like trick or treating...if you want to celebrate...celebrate away. Just don't expect me to join in.
Which brings me to my pumpkin. I wanted to celebrate the fall season with my daughter. I thought this could be something we could share together. Aside from sensory issues, she seemed to enjoy the process. Would I do it again? I don't know. We will see next year.

Ok for you who like my pumpkin, I downloaded a template from Birds and Bloom, taped it to the pumpkin and traced away. The hard part was not having the correct tools. Always, always, always have the right tool for the job!
Happy Pumpkins!

She likes me, she likes me not.

I grew up in a very sheltered home per se. We lived within this little bubble of family, school and church. I learned from a very young age when I was at school not everyone would like me or enjoyed my company. Then not too long afterwards I realized the same about certain family members. With each revelation the knowledge of this became harder to take. But, life goes on. The only thing was I never felt this way at church. I always felt that everyone liked me and I returned the sentiment. Now, I am not an egotist. We are all God’s children and as the scripture states, if you don’t love him who you have seen, how can you love Him who you haven’t? 

It wasn’t until I was in my teens a new family started attending our church. One of the daughters didn’t like me. I mean… she didn’t like me at all. She tolerated me and made it painfully aware how she felt. This of course was the end of the bubble I had lived in. I was shook to the core! Why didn’t she like me? I couldn’t wrap my brain around it. I always assumed because we shared the same belief we were the same and for some crazy reason would love each other regardless of our likes or dislikes. Wasn’t that how it was suppose to be?

But, again life would go on… I started working. I was already prepared and I lied to myself on a regular basis it didn’t matter what others thought of me… “I am my own person!” Whatever! I knew deep inside it bothered me. Sometimes, you just have to let things go and take the good with the bad and say who cares and really mean it!

I do feel like I have had a grip on not really caring if I were liked for many years. I knew they were missing out! I am a great person to hang out with and I am a very loyal friend. Then my daughter was born. Of course who would ever dislike a baby, right? But, as she grew and we came to grips with her differences. We started seeing the looks, the shunning, the apparent dislike for being around her. It started with strangers, then family members… now here we are the final frontier! The great part is, I’m not sure if she even notices the looks of those that don’t want to sit with her. The little ones that act afraid of her. I’m grateful for her being unaware! But, I see it! I see too much and again it’s like a dagger all over again. Just like when I came to the realization that girl couldn’t stand me. I know I can’t protect her from hurt. I know this is part of life. But, I think my problem has always been… we are God’s children and this ought not to be. I should be able to trust you and know you won’t hurt me. When the world is swirling around us, there should be a refuge we can come to. A place of shelter from the hurts of everyday life. The house of God should be this place! I want to be an extension of this belief. I think I have had this experience to help me be prepared for those who come to us bearing the weight of pain and cold indifference. I want to be holding the light as a beacon. I have decided it doesn’t matter to me if you like me or my family. It doesn’t matter to me if you want to be my friend or not. I’m going to love those who want to be loved, those who don’t and all those in between. I’m going to teach Lauren to be oblivious to what others think and judge herself by what God thinks and be accountable to His word and those who are in authority over her. In the end, we have to give an account and I pray I am able to make the Lord proud I finally passed this test.

To ABA or not to ABA that is the question...

My girl has completed her first full week back in school after spending the past 2 years in an ABA program. The first year (10 months )was in a center with 1:2 ratio... in layman's terms, 1 teacher to 2 students. Then one full year of a combination of ABA and Natural Environment Training in an in home program. In Ohio we are blessed to have the Autism Scholarship. So when the public school systems are not equipped to teach your autistic child you can apply for the scholarship and use it instead of public schools. This is to ensure your child is being reached in the best way possible.

I will have to say, I am glad we didn't start "drill and kill" ABA with her too soon. I have heard how this increases some aggressive behavior. Mainly due to frustration. If I had to do it over again...I would have foregone the center approach and did two years in-home ABA. Each child is different... you need to listen to what they aren't saying. You really need to learn to be a detective with our kids. Since they aren't able to say what you need to know, you need to look for clues. It isn't easy that's for sure!

Recently what caused me to think of ABA began with a letter I received from a Dr. The letter helped me realize I did do the right thing by my daughter. This Dr specializes in developmental pediatrics. Her expertise is with autistic kids. So, for some reason I had this assumption she was an expert in the field. Why do I elevate my expectations of certain types of people? Ok another blog for another day!!

In this letter she was going over her findings from our appointment. Something she said sent up this read flag. Well, actually there was something she said in our meeting that got those wheels in my brain a turnin. She said two years of ABA was completely enough time to devote to ABA therapy. Then when I read her comment in the letter I again was seeing another red flag! She said the ABA therapy hadn't really made a difference in my child. Uhm?? How can you say this? You don't even know my daughter. You have seen her for only a few short minutes. You are seeing a snapshot of my autistic child in a new place, who was hungry and bored out of her mind... and you are going to judge her on that visit? Whatever!

My thoughts are this... ABA is a lifestyle. It's not always straight drill and kill sessions. It's coupled with Natural Environment Training with helping them find their way at their pace. I don't think she would be where she is if it weren't for caring people listening to what she couldn't say and reading her body language.

When I first started to research ABA from a parent's perspective I really didn't find too many things on the Internet. I think it's missing. Like how to set up a therapy room in your house. How to look for tutors. IEP's and assessments. I will try to share what I know. What has worked and what hasn't.

In my personal experience, I say yes to ABA! I'll take the good, the bad and the ugly of it all. To hear my daughter say I love you and point to an airplane in the sky! It has changed out lives for the better!

Hi, my name is Amy and I am not Wonder Woman!

When I was a kid I loved watching Wonder Woman. I mean, she could do anything! Flying in an invisible plane, danger and drama! Oh the hair, that smile and the boots! Wow! When she came to the rescue you knew evil would be foiled! No bad guy could stand a chance with that lasso! She would deflect any bullet with those bracelets!

But, we all know this isn’t reality. It’s a fairy tale. I’m no longer a little girl who can play outside for countless hours in the summer sun. Riding my bike to the corner store or down suicide hill. Dangling from the monkey bars or trying to see if my feet could touch the sky while on the swings. I’m no longer that young lady going to youth rally’s or the mall. Writing letters to friends (uh, yes those were the days before the internet) or talking on the phone for hours. I’m no longer the single woman finding her place in this world or just being with friends doing whatever… just being.

I am a mom… not your everyday garden variety mom. I have a child with autism and a speech disorder. Life isn’t simple. Nothing is easy. I have become high maintenance. I loath high maintenance! Everything has to be so-so or we all fall apart. Secretly inside I wish I were younger dealing with this. I haven’t the energy as I once did and I have questioned God why now? Why here? But, I get the same thing every time… silence. I think He wants me to figure it out on my own. Follow the bread crumbs, Amy. It’s not as hard as you think it is. But, really it is!

If you would have told me years ago this would be my life… I would probably say bring it on! I’m tough I can handle anything. Then again, I might have panicked with the thought! If someone would wave a magic wand and she would be “typical” I don’t think I would know how to act. As chaotic as it is, this is my life! She’s my daughter!  There isn’t anything about her I would change… unless it would be her food allergies. It’s just a bummer for her!

But, if I did have a magic wand and I could change anything. The only thing I would change is my level of support. I am doing this alone. My Mother is older and not able to assist me like she did my older siblings when their children were small. I am conflicted… I so need to have time to get out of this house. But, I feel guilty just thinking about it. Let’s just say I didn’t feel guilty. Who would watch her so I could go do something for me? Herein lies my dilemma.

With that said, I wanted to let everyone know, in case there was a little confusion about this. I am not a super hero. I am not Wonder Woman. I am not the Bionic Woman.

I am a mom. I am a woman. I am still Amy.

“Morning is coming!”

I woke up earlier than planned this morning. Although not by choice, our electricity for the entire street is out and as I was on the phone with the electric company reporting the outage I had to step outside to confirm both sides of the street were without power. Ironically, one lone house on the end of the street has lights. Must be nice! But, in the silence I heard the singing of what seemed like flocks of birds in the distance.

It’s amazing the lifestyle we have grown accustom to with all the bells and whistles all brought to you by the wonder of electricity. I noticed something was missing too… the hum and buzz associated with the power.

I tried to go back to bed seeing it was before 5:30am… there were more sleeping hours available.  But, in the distance I noticed the sweet sound of birds singing. They were signifying the coming dawn. I’ve heard them before when I have had to be out and about this early. They are always singing this early. I would venture to say they start about 2 hours before the break of the first ray of light.

If I had the internet (not powered by electricity) I would google this info and understand the significance of there early morning communications. But, sadly enough it’s not going to happen. But, what I can do is sit here and listen….. to the pilot light on the hot water heater, the tick of the wall clock, me tapping on the keys of my laptop and then the sweet song of these birds signing, “Morning, morning is approaching.”  But this would usually be drown out by the hum of modern conveniences blocking out the sound.

There is a spiritual application here. For everything in the natural there is a spiritual connection. Psalms says, “weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning”.

We have all endured sorrow. We have all cried and begged God for the light of morning to start anew. I think God created these little creatures to signify the approach of the coming dawn. But, sometimes all the bells and whistles drown out the sound of the “watchman on the wall”. There have been times I have begged to hear from God that my trial was over. I have looked and looked…. thinking to myself “why doesn’t He ever answer me?” My problem? I’m connected to another power source and I can’t hear Him. He has sent the song of the bird and I can’t hear it over the hum. “Morning is coming, morning is coming”

God where are you? Tweet, tweet, tweet…. Morning is coming, morning is coming… But God will this night ever end? Tweet, tweet, tweet…. I feel so all alone, in the dark…. tweet, tweet, tweet.  He was talking all along and I didn’t hear Him.

“Morning is coming, morning is coming!”

You are what you eat.

My mind has been pondering some of the very basic needs we as humans need to survive. One being food. I truly need to get a grip on what I am eating…. what my family is eating. I am convinced now, more than ever, we are being poisoned. We the American people are being fed food that is tainted and we are passing this onto our children.

The American diet is nothing more than a sham! I read an article recently that likened our modern day diet to the old movie from the early 70’s “Soylent Green”.  Do we really know what we are eating? Do we even want to know? I feel like we have to take the blinders off and really take a hard look at where this food is coming from. We will assimilate what we eat. The old adage “You are what you eat” is truer than we give credence to.

I was able to watch two documentaries this past weekend on our American food industry. I’m sickened how we have turned a blind eye to big business and we have let these retards feed us crap… literally! We eat crap! I have struggled with what I am putting in my mouth.  I’ve known for the past year I have food allergies and I haven’t been too committed to the process of removing these said allergens from my diet. I can say I’m addicted to gluten and casein. Seriously addicted. I always wondered what was in McDonald’s food that once I ate it I would crave it. When I was a kid we had a pop machine in the youth center at our church. My drink of choice then was Dr Pepper. I knew that once I opened a can I would want another and another and then another. It was a never ending cycle of desire! I’ve been told if you are allergic to a food item you might find an addiction to it too. Hmmmm, this could be. I’m not a dr, but it sure seems strange!

About 2 years ago, in an all out effort to help Lauren get better, we decided to try a gluten free/casein free diet. A Dr in Florida had suggested it when she was about three years old. I wanted to try it, but back then, it was rather expensive and I wasn’t sure where to even begin. Since that time, there have been some real warriors you have done my homework for me. Thanks to them, my journey became a lot easier! My hats off you Autism Warrior Moms! I was amazed at the changes that happened. But, it seemed like it wasn’t enough. No matter how vigilant I was. There was always some kind of infraction… somewhere. But, where? For heaven’s sake I was a real booger about what Lauren came in contact with. Even her DAN Dr said she was getting something somewhere because of the red rim around her eyes were the tell tail sign. :((  What is a Mom to do?

I think I just became complacent in the past few months. I am ashamed to say since October “ish”, I have really dropped the ball in this area. It wasn’t until a friend was recently diagnosed with Celiac Disease, I was given a fresh pair of eyes. I feel like I have been reconnected to the mother ship. Through this I feel like I have been able to see what I have slacked on. The search was on again… for recipes or just anything to remind me of what I am suppose to be doing. I think this goes with anything in life. You need a refresher course to remind you of the little things you have missed along the way. In this renewed search, I found out something I never considered. In Lauren’s allergy test, she tested positive to an allergy to pork, chicken and beef. I just realized too that turkey wasn’t on the report. I wonder if they even tested for it. Or if it was and she wasn’t allergic to it. Anywho, back to the ranch here…. I never considered what the animal ate became meat. It is reported what a pig eats becomes meat within hours of consumption. I have been looking into what is fed to these animals. Which led me to the two documentaries and other reports.

I talked to a farmer a couple weeks ago. He raises grass-fed cows and lambs. No grain was given to the animals. He also raised poultry and pigs. He fed them with corn, soy and some other kind of grain. As soon as he said soy…. I didn’t hear anything else. Lauren’s #1 allergen is egg whites and a very close second is soy. So, that’s when I dug a little deeper to see that soy is one of the grains farmers feed chickens. Chicken are off limits until I can find some one who doesn't feed their chickens with soy. I think that’s just going to be next to impossible!

I’m glad I have been given this new perspective. God does work in strange ways!

In the coming days, I really want to explore a new way of living. I pray the Lord can help me to utilize what I have until He blesses us with our own home. Until then, I have 3 flower beds I can use and a nice assortment of pots to plant herbs. Spring is fast approaching better get myself in gear. If I’m not careful winter will be here again and nothing to show for my time!   

New Beginnings

It's been a long while since I have even thought about blogging here. I think it's time.
There are people out in cyber-land who need to hear something positive about life with a child with autism. Or know that a marriage can survive trials and tribulations and you can heal and get over it! So here I am making a fresh start here. Well, not a completely new start... I'll be using the same site... oh never mind, you get the idea, right?

So where have I been? For the survival of my family and with every one's sanity in mind, my mother moved back to her hometown. Yes, she is very happy. Oh and we are glad she is happy!

Through a bizarre chain of events we were able to put our daughter into a home based program. We have a BCBA who over sees her program and tutors who come out during the week. Our daughter is making great strides. More about that later!

Then probably, I think anyway, the most amazing news of all. My husband was diagnosed with ADD and since being placed on medication, he is a new man! I love Strattera! This in itself, has been the one catalyst which has been able to bring healing into our little family! What a wonderful thing!

So, in the coming days, I am hoping to bring info that has helped us heal our woes. Also, share our journey with our daughter and how autism is not a death sentence. There is joy in the morning! There is life after gluten egg, soy, dairy and corn free eating....lol! Yeah, I know! Talk about allergies! Whew!
Enjoy!

Where are my super hero boots?

I woke up this morning not thinking about when the next time he would cycle. I knew it was about time. But, I had been secretly hoping against hope he wouldn't this time.

But, this afternoon I heard the footsteps pounding down the stairs... here he comes... I took a deep breath. I held it in, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It wasn't anything too monumental. He stood there and didn't say a word. I offered him some homemade salsa and a smile. No response.

I asked if he had trouble sleeping. No response. He stood over me as I sat at the table.

Speak for crying out loud!

Mercy!

Finally the barrage of smart comments and questions. He asked me several times if I went anywhere today. I told him each time, "No" I was losing patience quickly. But, by the time it was all said and done... Mom excused herself to leave the room ( I don't blame her) and I was wanting to pull my hair out.

This man isn't well and I am fading fast. For heaven's sake, get help!

I have done this torrid dance with him for 12 years now and I want to sit this one out. I can tell you all of the reasons I am here... but there are times I question my own responses.

I have friends and family that ask me "why are you still there?" I know I have lost friends because of the drama of my marriage. Although, I really don't care anymore what anyone thinks. I have my reasons and there is a method to my madness... you'll see!

But, the one thing I wonder... how much longer will this continue? How much longer will I be safe from another violent attack? How much more can I take? I am only one person... What am I expected to be? I am not Wonder Woman!

I'm listening Lord, really I am...

This weekend did not go as planned. Now maybe God had it planned this way but I most certainly did not.
I have been under a tremendous load of stress in the past few months. It seems in the past week or so I was drowning in it. I found I was not really able to keep myself afloat in the day to day stresses. So, upon an invitation I received from a friend to come to her home for a visit. I packed a bag or two and left early Friday morning for rest and relaxation... or so I thought.
I figured the time away would be much needed. I mean really, she has a pool and lives in a very quiet neighborhood... how could I do anything but rest? Let's say, nothing turned out as planned... NOTHING!
In retrospect, I learned some things about myself. I have limits and I can no longer ignore my limits. I must stop living with an altered view of my reality.

One, I have no business staying all night at any one's home EVER!
I am past the age of "sleep overs". Plus, I have my daughter who has Autism to think about. My friend's house was not child proof. Let alone, ready for my daughter. At least, at home she can play in the backyard with her yard toys while I rest on my porch. She can sleep in her own bed and eat food that she is suppose to eat... you get the idea.

Two, I need to know my limits.
I still seem to see myself as the woman I was before Autism. I get frustrated about finances. So, I decide I am going to get a job. I go as far as to get an interview all to realize... this isn't a possibility any longer. It's not possible to live as I had. When I come to myself... it's the cold realization.... I can no longer do the things I did before without having to work around a child with a disability. The frustration I cause myself all because I do not take notice of my limits. Not only that, but the stress I put my daughter through while I am trying to let it sink in to my thick skull. Poor girl!

Three, my family is my ministry.
I recently resigned a ministry I felt I needed to be involved in. I really thought this was the direction the Lord was leading me in. But, after months of gentle prodding from the Lord. I resigned. In the quiet, I heard His still small voice tell me... "your family is your ministry." I have no business going away for days on end and leaving my daughter and husband without the support they need. This is my calling. To help them be all they can be. I read something this week which really touched me. In the Hebrew, the word Help Meet means "lifesaver, to come up alongside" My husband needs this kind of consistency. To come along side and be there as a support to him. Until he and my daughter are well, this is my ministry and I don't believe the Lord will honor my decision unless I take care of this first. I have been called to be my daughter's mother. She is my responsibility to raise her in the fear and admonition of the Lord. Not chase after my dreams and desires. This is not to say I shouldn't have mommy time. I'm saying, my families needs need to be met before I think about fulfilling my desires.

I want to say in my friend's defense... she tried to the best of her ability to make me feel comfortable in her home. She fixed me a lovely dinner and took me to some yard sales. She was gracious and kind to us. If it were just me alone, I would have been more relaxed and be able to enjoy myself more. But, for now... it's not only me but my precious little girl.
Thanks for opening your home to me and may God bless your efforts to try and help me rest.
God has blessed me with some good friends.

This is Lauren

I was encouraged recently by a friend to share my testimony about my daughter, Lauren. At first I was a little hesitant, but as time as gone by I keep hearing this phrase over and over in my head. "I can't be the only apostolic parent with an autistic child. So, here I am sharing this with you...On this coming Monday, my daughter Lauren will be 6 years old. Even though she is over 4 feet tall and looks like a normal child she is in many ways just like a 2 years old. The sad part is, I know she knows what is going on around her. She is so smart. I have had therapists say, "It's like she is in there and she can't get out." This is very frustrating for a mother to hear. She is non-verbal and I can count on 1 hand the times she has called me Mom. Although there are many things stacked against her... I know a God who can do ALL things.In the past few years, we have been blessed to have many men of God tell us she will be healed. There is a man in Tennessee that stands in for her every service for her healing. A lady that attends my church has fasted every Wednesday since last summer. I'm sure there are others I am not aware of.... God is faithful I believe He will answer.Through all the therapies and drs appointments I have come up empty handed. Until this past year. It all started when the Lord moved us back home to Ohio. I was able to get her into the Children's Hospital in Cincy. There we finally had a diagnosis... she's in the spectrum. Alrighty then... it's about time! I say this because she was originally diagnosed with a Severe Global Developmental Delay at 18 months... that's fancy talk for " your daughter is really behind and we don't know why!" :)I'll spare you all of the gory details. But through a chain of events... a book from the library, a book my mother gave me last summer and a mother I met on an autism online support group. I was led to the one truth... we have gotten away from the one thing that could stop this from happening in the future... we are living out of balance with how God intended us to live. We eat and drink junk, get very little sleep, live in an environment that is poisoning us daily. There has to be a change... we have to get back to the basics of how God intended us to live.In the coming weeks I will blog about what is happening with Lauren and her treatments to remove the toxicity from her body. Eventually, I will post a video of a before and after. If I can figure out how to do this...lol!I know there is a reason for all of this. I may never know the full magnitude of this entire experience. But, I do know if Lauren's testimony can reach someone or bring someone hope. Well, then it will be worth it all.If you do have a child that is disabled in some way... don't give up hope! There is a God and He cares about you and the silent struggles you go through on a daily basis! He is with you in the quiet times when you don't think you can go on. He's with you when you are in the whirlwind of Dr appts and therapies. He is with you while you wait in a waiting room alone while your child in is surgery. He is with you when you have to come to grips with the cold reality that this is your life for however long it is meant to be.Hang in there... this too shall pass. Whether in this life or the next, it will pass!God Bless

Going forward!

I need drugs... well not really. Although there are times I think I would benefit from being comatose. I have had this tightness in my chest on and off for months. NO, I'm not having a heart attack! I think I would know if I am having a heart attack. It's just I am surrounded by stressful things and people. I'm tired of the drama. I can't help it if I was raised by primates that thrive on stress and chaos. I have tried my best to remove myself from this way of life as best as I can. It always seems to find me. So, upon receiving sound advice from my dearest friend and since I don't drink or do drugs. I am drinking a very strong cup of "tension tamer" tea. I do feel some what better...more relaxed. You know I'll take it!

Lauren had a relapse this week on her diet. Actually her mother failed her. I thought I would try something she hasn't eaten since she started this diet to see if she could have it. Oh mercy... she is like the old Lauren. I hadn't realized how much better she had been. All of the autistic behaviors are back with a vengeance. Eyes dilated, the "shhh" noise she makes between clinched teeth, grinding her teeth and the hyper-motoric behavior is back also. Well I know not to do that again. Poor girl. I gave her a Melatonin and put her to bed. Hopefully it will help her to sleep through the night. She is even back to fighting me at bed time. Up and down, up and down! Lord give me strength! It will take a few days to get her straightened out again!

I guess this brings me back to the one truth... if you fall off the horse get back up and ride! I have to persevere! "I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus" Phil 3:14 I know I have to go forward. If she is to get better I have to go forward. If I am to make it in... I must press forward! With my eyes on the mark, not looking to the right or the left! As complicated as my life has been... this is the constant! Pressing on! Like the farmer with his hand to the plow... I heard it once said the farmers believed God was working something out in them while they held the plow straight.
Work it out in me Lord. Whatever it is... work it out!